Over 40 and Dipping my Toe in the Dating Pool

Like me, you may have come out of a relationship or been single for a while and once you pass a certain age the likelihood and indeed the lure, of meeting someone decreases. I am not a party animal and spend a lot of time at events that others would consider social, but for me, the majority of events I attend are strictly work. It can be hard to make the leap beyond my usual social circle and connect with new people. Therefore, dipping my toe back into the dating scene after many years is undeniable a nerve wracking process. For a start, the dating scene has drastically changed. Online dating sites and social networks are all the rage. Even virtual dating means you can strike up new friendships and flirtations from the comfort and security of your own home.

I actually think dating is nerve-racking at any age, more so when you’re over 40.  I am a completely different person from what I was 20 years ago. I am set in my ways, I have a family and I already know my worth and what I want, which is a partner I can spend the next chapter of my life with. Yes, I’m putting myself out there, which is frustrating, but being over 40 does also have its advantages. Now, I’m over 40, I’ve had a chance to get over a lot of insecurities I had when I was in the early stages of adulthood.  I know how to love myself. I don’t beat myself up over trivial things and I don’t wallow in the wounds left by past relationships. I am no longer that naïve 20-year-old who thought they could change a person, or that teenager who let herself get eaten up by jealousy or peer pressure. Now a little older and wiser, I know better.

A lot of people over 40 start thinking that they are better off alone, so it’s harder to get out there and try to meet someone who might try to fill a void in their lives. Women get that “I don’t need a man” thing and men keep trying to live out of their ultimate bachelor ego. Both I think experience loneliness, which at some point, something inside compels them to try and find someone worth their time.

For me, I can never see myself in a bar, looking for love. I can think of nothing worse. I can remember dating someone I met at an event that wasn’t quite the Hollywood dream, but seemed self-assured and appeared to have it all together. Little did I know that upon digging a little deeper, I discovered a host of unwelcomed baggage that I was not prepared to carry and I moved very swiftly on. I’m sure we all have those nightmare experiences or dates from hell where we can look back on now and belly laugh. I was beginning to think that there was some new way to go about dating; some secret approach that no one had discovered yet. But the older I get, the less I’m inclined to believe such secrets exists.   The dating ‘basics’ are still the same as when women were ‘foxy’ and men were ‘fine.’ The main things I’ve learnt are simply to relax and just be me.   In my opinion, most people set the bar far too high when it comes to dating.  It’s not that serious and it should be fun!

So I think the cure to all this anxiety about dating again is for me to confidently believe in myself, get out there and mingle. Hopefully, I’ll find a suitable partner, as my mother used to tell me – I’m not going to find someone sitting at home watching the TV! So I mustn’t be afraid to put myself out there for a chance of happiness. It’s never too late to find the perfect person and I’m going to take a deep breath, take the plunge and try to enjoy the whole experience. I will keep you posted.

My Kind of Win-Win Network

We all know the saying, “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know.” That’s why as a businessperson or someone passionate about self-development, networking and building relationships are a fundamental part of our success, or are they? The truth is after attending numerous networking events, I have come to the conclusion that the vast majority has all been about the hard sell and self-promotion that I think has become an outdated concept. People often turn up at these events to randomly hand out business cards with a well-rehearsed, not very thought out pitch, all with the expectation of gaining new business or contacts. Similarly, our timelines on social media are now bombarded with promotional adverts from people who have never taken the time to previously engage with us.

Frankly, as a successful businesswoman who values connecting with like-minded people, it saddens me that these events have also turned into a place of fear that most people loathe attending. They have a bad reputation for superficial small talk that make people especially new comers feel awkward, pressured and uncomfortable. Networking shouldn’t be about working a room or telling everyone how fabulous you are. Real networking is about building meaningful, mutually beneficial lasting relationships, whilst maintaining integrity. My own experience has taught me that the times I have had a genuine sense of connection have often come from opportunities that have had nothing to do with business. In fact, lasting business/friendships have often developed first, later resulting in opportunities that I was not looking for. Similarly, most of the business I have done has not been around a boardroom table, but in settings where the relationships take priority.

A more positive approach should be a setting where giving of yourself far outweighs promoting yourself. An environment where there is time to listen, share, connect, introduce and support. An opportunity to be present in the moment, genuinely exploring concerns of others whilst finding out if there is anything you can actually do to help. These are the characteristics that nurture and build mutual relationships and I believe this is the kind of networking that people will enjoy. My own ‘inner circle’ is one such programme that allows vetted individuals to connect with others, while at the same time benefit from coaching, mentoring and support. Being surrounded by a motivated group of people that connect, collaborate, support and naturally promote each other is what makes my kind of networking more enjoyable.

They say a business is only as good as the client it serves and if this statement is true, surely the key is to building long lasting relationships based on honesty, sharing and partnership. Traditional networking events are purely transactional and therefore the relationships tend to be short term in nature. Why should we just restrict ourselves to ‘contacts’ when we could make good friends instead? Building relationships removes barriers and is more authentic. Networking may have been yesterday’s buzzword, but I believe building valuable relationships is the key to becoming a successful business, because with these relationships, there is only room for a win-win situation.

I will leave you with this famous quote. Franklin D Roosevelt once said, ‘The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.’

Time is a good healer

If there is inevitability that we will all experience loss in some part of our lives, then grief is a natural part of the healing process. The reasons for grief are many, such as the loss of a loved one, the loss of health, the loss of a relationship, or the letting go of a life long dream. Dealing with a significant loss can be one of the most difficult times in a person’s life. From my own personal experience, when my mother passed suddenly, it was and still remains one of the most overwhelming emotional things I have ever experienced. What I’ve come to understand about the grieving process is that the feelings of loss are very personal and only you know what is significant to you.  Furthermore, as not all loss is the same, more subtle or less obvious losses such as leaving home, loss of health or financial security can also cause strong feelings of grief. Similarly, when a loss is sudden and traumatic with little time to prepare, it leaves you feeling as though the rug has been pulled out from under you.

When my marriage ended it was painful because it represented the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Something that started on a high, with hopes for our future left me in unchartered territory. Suddenly, all areas of my life were disrupted, my routine and responsibilities, my home, even my judgement and identity. The loss of my marriage left me uncertain about my future. It left me wondering what life would be like without my husband. Would I now be left alone? Would I find someone else? Would anyone else want me? There were so many questions that put me through an emotional roller coaster. This period of my life was highly stressful yet it was a major life transition for me, as I was able to learn some valuable life lessons that allowed me to make positive changes to help me move forward.

My mothers’ sudden passing left me with thoughts that challenged my own mortality and future as well as the predictability of life. Over a period of time my responses and emotions would vary. Sometimes I felt I was going crazy or would feel sad and depressed, other days I would be angry, irritable or frustrated. On really bad days I would be totally ambivalent, feeling as though I just wanted to escape. But thanks to my faith in God and good people around me, I understood that what I was experiencing was all part of the grieving process. The length of the grieving process is different for everyone. There is no predictable schedule for grief. Although it can be quite painful at times, the grieving process is something that cannot be rushed. So it’s important to be patient with yourself as you experience your unique reactions to the loss. With time and support, things generally do get better.

Having said that, when I look back now the shock of loss has faded, I can honestly say sometimes that I feel more pain and sadness than I did before. So rather than isolate myself in my grief I cope by seeking counsel and support from close friends. I give myself permission to feel grief and be patient with myself. Above all, I found that immersing myself in activities, giving back to others has been the most therapeutic of all. Living my dream is a legacy that helps with my own healing process.

Size 14, so what!

As an ex fashion model, I can say with experience that the fashion industry is not a pretty business. The clothes, the make up, the lights and the glamour actually hide a façade of a weight-obsessed culture with a huge emphasis on physical appearance. Starting out aged 10 as a young model, I was excited at the prospect of travelling the world, wearing designer clothes and earning lots of money. However, reflecting back on my time in the fashion industry, I was hit with the stark realisation that the years of working as a model has programmed my thinking in such a negative way about my own body image. For years I concluded that the idea of beauty and being thin was based on what others thought about me and I would be more accepted for certain jobs if I maintained a particular weight or looked a certain way. This dangerous thought pattern was placing my self-esteem and confidence in the hands of others and what they thought about me.

I was diagnosed with Lupus four years ago and because of the challenges of the illness and the medication, I have seen a noticeable increase in my weight. In my modeling prime I was a size 6 and with the fluctuations over the years I am now a size 12/14, yet I still feel fat. This hit me like a freight train and I had to stop and really check myself.

How could I be a size 12/14 and feel fat?

As well as working in the industry, I like millions of women and young girls are constantly bombarded with the media’s idea of the “perfect” body. These heavily airbrushed, unrealistic images are portrayed in women’s magazines all over the world, sending the message that women are not pretty or skinny enough. We know the average woman is 5’4” and weighs 140 pounds, while the average model is 5’11” and weighs 117 pounds. Each year, magazine companies spend billions on diet and exercise advertisements that sell body dissatisfaction to their readers through unrealistic images of women, as well as dieting and exercise information.

If we look back thirty years ago, Marilyn Monroe, a size 14, had the “ideal” body shape and size, but today’s standard of beauty is much smaller and continues to shrink. As the beauty ideal continues to get smaller in our society, it is no wonder that body image among women, especially teenagers continues to plummet. Magazines portray and compare happiness with being thin; therefore some feel if they are not thin, then they are not happy.

Negative body image is an old and controversial debate that shows no sign of abating. The female body image and what a person should or could look like in marketing and advertising terms in particular is a controversial issue. There are so many factors that may contribute to a poor female body image. We live in a culture where thinness and beauty are highly valued for women and wealth and success are often considered to go hand in hand with a slim figure. The weight loss industry is very profitable and marketing firms know exactly how to sell products to people with the promise that their lives will be better if they lose weight or buy a certain brand of clothing.

Due to this negative influence, a poor body image can develop from an early age with profound effects. A negative body image could trigger an eating disorder for those who are most vulnerable. However for the vast majority, what happens is a preoccupation with calorie counting and dieting leading to low self-esteem, low self-confidence and never feeling that one’s body is adequate. In addition to the possibilities of developing an eating disorders, a poor body image can contribute to depression, anxiety, problems in relationships and other health issues.

In my case I did not realise until years later, the unconscious negative beliefs I had adopted about my own self-image. It was as if I had been brainwashed. Thankfully, I have learnt to reframe my thinking and even though I still struggle to accept my changing body, especially because of my illness, I have learnt to love myself inside and out with a higher sense of gratitude. Beauty and an acceptance about myself are not built on what others say about me or how popular I am. I have learnt to be secure in who I am, what I am and the size I am, as that is exactly how God has made me.