Not always the other woman

Today, I’m putting it out there as I have recently had an emotional car crash. The problem I have with this type of car crash is that I was not the driver. I allowed someone to drive me, when in hindsight, perhaps I should not have. In fact, hindsight is a good word, as if I had known the driver would have caused a crash, would I have got into the car in the first place? Without hesitation, absolutely not. No!

 

I’ve seen the devastating affect that infidelity has on relationships. I have both professionally counseled and been the shoulder to cry on. I’ve been married and have good friends that are in happy strong marriages. But I do know that in relationships, things are rarely black or white. Usually, the grey areas cover a minefield that becomes even more complex when matters of deceit, denial, emotions and a whole host of other things come into play. One thing I never expected was to be on the receiving end of hostile messages labeling me as ‘the other woman’ and breaking the unbreakable sisterhood code of going after another woman’s partner!

 

The questions I want to ask are this, firstly, why does the man seem to avoid any portion of blame or responsibility? Secondly, when someone tells you they are free to enter into a relationship, you believe and trust what you are told.   Therefore, how is it possible to be branded as ‘the other woman’, when your only fault was to simply believe in someone. To be clear, I’m not talking about women who actively seek out men in committed relationships, as these women I believe are perhaps looking for excitement and enjoy playing a psychological game with the wives or girlfriends. I’m also not talking about women who continue to pursue men even when they discover they are in a relationship. I’m specifically referring to the women who are wrongly blamed for believing the integrity of a man, just in the same way the wife or partner believed what they’re partner told them.

 

What most people don’t take into consideration is the fact that throughout the time that they are in this ‘relationship’, the other person is also developing false hope that they believe to be true having plans and hopes for the future of a possible relationship. I would argue that these women, like myself have been duped, only guilty of being misled where they thought there was trust.  I started by saying that hindsight is a good word because it allows reflection and time for pause. I did not see events occurring in the manner they did and I would hope that I never find myself in the position where I am the one making the calls or sending messages. However, upon reflection, I cannot be held responsible for assisting someone create or cause emotional hurt, but we do have to look inwardly and be accountable for what we allow into our personal lives.

 

There are many factors that make a relationship work, two of which are honesty and trust. I have found these to be the foundation and bedrock of all relationships. Yet the one thing that fractures our ability to trust and be honest is betrayal. Few people would argue with the idea that honesty is the best policy and great relationships require high levels of integrity in order to thrive. When a violation of trust, large or small, occurs it’s important to examine the conditions that contributed to the situation and to engage in a healing process that will restore trust and goodwill to the relationship. So rather than look to accuse and apportion blame elsewhere, the more open and non-defensive we can be, the more likely it is that there will be resolution. Lies and denials are simply used to cover-up a transgression and can do much more damage than the violation itself. I fully understand that the betrayed partner experiences shock and significant emotional trauma. Feelings of anger, vengeance and hopelessness may be accompanied by a roller coaster of emotions, ranging from loss, grief to rage and frustration. But in amongst all the chaos and hurt, you must be careful with your reactions. Don’t do and say things in your anger that you can’t take back, which can cause deep wounds. Don’t lose your dignity by lowering yourself, or embarrassing yourself.  And above all, face and accept the truth wherever it leads.

 

I live by they saying ‘treat people how you would like to be treated’. I will continue to trust and believe that there are good people out there with good intentions as that is just who I am. I look at every experience no matter how painful as an opportunity to learn and re-evaluate. Yes, I am a little hurt, but I am now also a little wiser.