Something Just ain’t right…

 

Something ain’t right.

You know that feeling when your nose wiggles and your ears prick up? Clammy handed and with baited breath, you become an observer, spying a constant flow of subtle cues that things are happening all around you? Apparently, that is your gut talking. The unnerving but certain stimuli of something approaching before it’s actually, consciously, happening. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that our gut responds to our environment more readily than our brains do.

Here’s my bugaboo: researchers at Cambridge University have just published a study based on 48 different reports from around the world which shows that women are twice as likely to suffer from severe anxiety as men. A few months ago, Dr Diahanne Rhiney penned an article about the menacingly named imposter syndrome which she described as ‘a confidence-zapping mindset believe that those around us have over-estimated our abilities and that our peers, colleagues and loved ones will, at any moment, realise that we are complete frauds.’ I was, on one hand, fascinated to learn of this sapping non-partisan mindset; yet on the other I was crestfallen to discover yet another manifestation of female anxiety.

Recently, Sarah Vine spoke about her own experiences of chronic anxiety, candidly detailing ‘a permanent sense of underlying panic, a multifarious universe of nagging concerns that, periodically, coalesce into a black hole of worry into which I occasionally fall’.

I have written about the issues effecting women for 18-years and I find myself feeling increasingly disquieted that there is so little shift in our dialogues, concerns, and injustices. I feel that now, perhaps more than ever, we are in dire need of empowering conversations.

My solution is quite simple. We need spaces wherein we can nurture female relationships in a way that feels comfortable, a venue where we design the rules, and an environment that empowers us.
It is a remedy that is too often overlooked and yet having the perspective of other women who have had or are having experiences can be invaluable to our growth.

This year, I attended my very first ‘Be and Beyond’ supper and I was absolutely blown away by its sincerity. I felt refreshed to sit in a space wherein I didn’t feel judged. The energy moved me to the point of tears. I came to realise that this (unexpected) release had grown from a bed upon which I literally could just be.

Afterwards, chatting about this with the green/purple/white-blooded Dr Rhiney, she bashed the nail on the head when she said, ‘At my own events I steer away from focusing purely on the success of women. I do this to avoid imposter syndrome that I know is so prevalent among us. I create authentic environments where we wear our wounds and mistakes on our sleeves in the spirit of empowerment. I want for us as women to slay the beast of imposter syndrome and anxiety, accept our scars and prevail.’

Ah ha! Now there’s an approach to the often-sneered at ‘women’s events’ that I can dig. Of course, my next question was: how can I get involved?

Weeks later we were sat chatting with powerhouse Margaret Carter, CEO of Patchwork pate discussing women in every corner of the world. The rest, as they say, is history. An event was born that is unlike anything I have come across before.

So, in just three weeks, Dr Rhiney and her team shall be travelling to Manchester to host ‘Against All Odds’. Believe me when I say this event is unmissable. Margaret Carter is unarguably one of the most deliciously punchy and perspicacious women I have ever had the privilege of meeting.

Other speakers include the dynamic founders of the interstellar #imnotjohn campaign, Kirsty Day and Grace Dyke and Amanda Brown transformational trainer, and the founder of The Leading Ladies Company. The evenings host is our very own champion, Dr Rhiney.

For one evening in July, let’s come together and be empowered. No flaky showboating or flashy introductions; just a group of women being.

Proceeds go towards Strength With In Me Foundation (S.W.I.M) the charity that has everyone talking (from the House of Commons to Kay Adams) due to its unique approach to Domestic Abuse and young girls. What more could we ask for?

Join me for canapés and tipples by Deansgate Lock on September 8th, to listen to a group of women who will blow you away with their authenticity. I’ll be the one grinning from ear to ear at just how wondrous we truly are and sighing ‘Now, this, feels right.’

Daniella Maison

twitter: @Ladymaison

http://beandbeyond.eventbrite.co.uk
‘I’ve come to believe that the energy and thoughts we put out into the world can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Love yourself, be proud of all you have achieved and face each day with the confidence to believe you are worthy.’ Diahanne Rhiney

http://m.huffpost.com/uk/entry/10160942.html?edition=uk

 

The Silent Voices In The World Cup’s Dark Side

                  

England are through to the World Cup 2018 semi-finals for the first time

 since 1990 after beating Sweden 2-0. If England beat Croatia in the final tonight, they’re due to play France in what will be momentous occasion with British households singing ‘It’s Coming Home’ in anticipation.

As I have been throughout the World Cup, I have to pause and think about the dark side of World Cup fever tonight: children living in domestic abuse households in the U.K. Reports of children affected by domestic abuse have soared by 77% in just four years, according to the NSPCC. Research into the link between domestic abuse and the football has shown that reports of domestic abuse increase when the England team win or lose a match and increases with every World Cup tournament. Recently I was thrilled to see the Police acknowledge the correlation as forces across the country have been preparing for a rise in domestic violence surrounding England’s World Cup games.

One comment I read on an article said ‘if women know their husbands are violent during the works cup, why stay in the house?’ Questioning a victims inability to leave (bearing in mind a victim is more likely to die in the process of leaving an abuser) is a common repose whenever domestic abuse is on the table. One point I always make is that the 130,000 British children living in domestic abuse households don’t have the choice to just leave.

Around 39,000 babies under one year of age live with domestic violence in the UK. Every day thousands of children witness cruelty and violence behind closed doors. Approximately 90% of children are in the same room when a violent assault is taking place, and 10% of that 90% are witnessing a rape or sexual assault. What’s key here is that a football win doesn’t mean no abuse; it means a 38% increase when they lose, and a 26% when they win or draw. At my children’s schools, the past few weeks have been full of World Cup celebrations. For 1 in 5 children the fears and roller-coaster of emotions an event like the World Cup are unthinkable.

As has been pointed out by many lately, football does not cause domestic violence. Of course, the tension built by the World Cup, and many other events, will contribute to and trigger it, but the cause of domestic violence is always the abuser. When that abuser is emotionally charged, drinking alcohol and hedging bets and emotions on the football result, the triggers increase and the victims are more at risk.

In 2013-2014, there were forty-six domestic abuse murder victims under age sixteen. Half of these youth were killed by a step-parent or parent, just 9% we’re killed by a partner. Children too often seem to be a silent voice in these conversations yet they are so vulnerable, they need us to listen.

I understand that football is our most popular l sport and as a sports fan (although I may not be overly patriotic) I understand the passion and mindset behind celebrating England’s World Cup journey. Still, we can’t afford to ignore the situation that British children are facing; they directly impact British society. Children suffer multiple physical and mental health consequences because of living with domestic violence.

Domestic abuse presents a long-term and significant risk of ever-increasing harm to a child’s physical, emotional and social development. Later in life, children are at greater risk for substance abuse, juvenile pregnancy and criminal behaviour, including gang and knife violence. All are issues we claim to care about but still we’re failing to address domestic abuse as a major factor.

Tonight, is set to be a ‘fever pitch’, with Croatia hoping to reach the final for the first time and England hoping to end a 52-year wait to return. Please spare a thought for the children for whom this is so much more than ‘just a game’.

Are Foster Carers Being Taught To Fear Children?

 

A review of foster care in England has been published following a consultation with academics, carers and children has been released that reveals guidance for foster carers has made them afraid to show affection to the children they look after.

The report was co-authored by the former chief executive of Bernardo’s, Sir Martin Narey and children’s services adviser Mark Owers, and found that children are being denied “the physical or emotional affection they need that helps them to thrive” because foster carers “had been taught to be fearful of potential allegations”. As a foster carer who has cared for over 100 high-need children from abusive backgrounds, I am proud to say I have a high success record, I can also tell you I did not achieve it by withholding affection and warmth from the children I care for. All of them have needed love, praise, support, nurturing, cuddling and affection to thrive.

Science shows us that affection from parents to their children results in life-long positive outcomes including higher self-esteem, better school grades, better communication, and fewer mental health and behavioural problems. Children who do not receive affection from their parents tend to have lower self-esteem and to feel more alienated, hostile, aggressive, and anti-social. If science has proved this then why are foster carers being advised to stop? Foster children usually have highly complex backgrounds and have already been separated from their family, so when a foster carer avoids affection, it compounds their feelings of being unwanted, unloved and rejected. Every single child I have ever cared for has told me they just want to be loved. Loved, hugged, made to feel part of a family unit. I’m not alone, the positive outcomes for foster children are in those who are loved as a family member.

In my experience, if a child is prone to lying sadly they will do it regardless of whether you are near them or not.

The definition  of Foster Care is: ‘A way of providing a family life for children who cannot live with their own parents. All over the world, foster families open their hearts to children in need, and share their family life with them.’ Yet the report also revealed advisement to foster carers preventing a foster child from calling them ‘mum’ or ‘dad’ but in a potentially 18-year long-term placement, it would be challenging to say the least to fulfil the definition of foster care and not hug, be alone with or allow a foster child to call you ‘mum’ or ‘dad’. I understand in cases where there is a respite placement and the child is only in the care of foster carers for a matter of days; but carers are trained to know that difference. As time goes on, the whole purpose is to embrace them – a long term placement – under advisement and the child’s needs and backgrounds should inform that decision.

This is why the advanced DBS exists. If there is a time for being robust it’s when the initial assessments take place. If anything, foster carers need more support and remuneration because their role is a complex mix of mental health, parenting, mentoring and safeguarding. Foster carers need training that reflects the complexities of the children as their needs become more and more complex.

One foster care organisation’s advice specifically focuses on male carers, telling them they “should be aware that showing physical affection towards children/young people could be misinterpreted and put them at risk”. Male carers are also told to ask children to sit in the back seat if they pick them up in their car because of the “additional risk of allegations”.

Gender has absolutely nothing to do with good child care and to suggest that a child is unsafe or at risk with a male carer is outright sexism.  Joss Cambridge-Simmons is a leading U.K male nanny who has worked in childcare for over 10 years:

‘I feel it is vital that children of all ages see men as affectionate beings when in the right provision of course.  I say this so that they do not grow up building a negative image of men. Also, so they can learn to tell the difference between a man that’s affectionate appropriately and a man that’s affectionate inappropriately.  If they want a hug I only give it if asked for. Over the 12 years in my career as a male child carer, I have seen what a hug can do for some of these children. It’s how they learn emotions, how they learn how to self-regulate and express, some of them come from backgrounds of abuse and neglect etc. Speaking and showing affection, especially  for these little boys who think big boys don’t cry or cuddle. A life with no affection or hugs can only lead to an emotionless adulthood full of complexes and I’m sure is not good for one’s mental health or well-being.’ @Jossycare childcare specialist

Depriving children of the best possible care, that meets their emotional and psychological needs is bureaucracy gone mad. We’ve become over sensitised, this type of advice is completely left field and could negatively impact carers entering the process.

There is a huge need for foster carers for older children, groups of siblings, disabled children and unaccompanied asylum-seeking children. Over 65,000 children live with almost 55,000 foster families across the UK each day and there is a shortfall of over 8,000 carers. Kevin Williams, chief executive of The Fostering Network, said: ‘A child comes into care in need of a foster family every 20 minutes in the UK.’ In 2017 it was announced that as many as 140,000 vulnerable children at risk of abuse and neglect might not be getting help because cash-strapped local authorities have been forced to shrink or abandon family support. With 90 children coming into care every day, calls for urgent funding to support these children and invest in children and their families are becoming more and more urgent. This report is so concerning because we cannot afford for more children to slip through the cracks because of unnecessary red tape. Most foster carers are families, and revelations like these are potentially off-putting to potential carers who will fear the wellbeing of their family unit.

We must remember that foster kids are already demonised, at school, by their peers and sadly, as this review shows, by the system. They don’t want to be outsiders or different or have the stigma as a ‘problem child’ but treating them in the way this review has exposed only serves to further alienate them.

When working with children in the care system, false allegations happen and we can’t be naïve to it but that’s where training comes in. I fully agree with the robust systems in place because these children need specific care. When issues arise, foster carers work with social workers, agencies, local authorities, teachers, therapists, to safeguard by providing thorough training and support. Foster carers shouldn’t be on an island but all too often in my experience they are.

I’m a specialist carer so people only come to me with severe problems, so I have gone on enhanced training to deal with allegations but a standard carer needs support, not fearmongering in order to be successful.

Minister for Children and Families Nadhim Zahawi said: ‘The report gives us an opportunity to celebrate foster care and to recognise the invaluable role foster parents play in the lives of vulnerable children.’ I agree but it has also left me, as a foster carer, feeling deeply concerned. The care system in the U.K is at a breaking point; the shortfall is significant and cuts don’t help; there is so much more we can be doing to support vulnerable children. Withholding cuddles and refusing to be alone with them simply isn’t one of them.