The Power of Friendships

Friendships are rarely perfect; they come in all shapes and sizes, flavours and textures, timings and seasons. Let’s face it, great friendships are like gold dust, they are priceless. Good friends encourage you, they can lift your spirits, make you laugh, and remind you that you are loved. They make you feel comfortable with yourself, so you don’t need to pretend, put on a front or act like something you’re not. Your friends know your shortcomings and love you anyway. You are perhaps the “best version” of yourself when you’re with your friends. That’s why coming to terms with a less than perfect friendship is about taking time to view it realistically, putting it in perspective, setting boundaries, and deciding to get and give what you can so the relationship is mutually rewarding.

Betrayal, deceit or jealously among friends can be a bitter pill to swallow. My own personal experiences has resulted in shattered trust and broken relationships. Sometimes, I’ve compromised relationships when I shouldn’t have, where maybe I should have accepted or rejected it. Over the years I’ve realised just how important it is to surround yourself with the right people. But above all, I’ve learnt forgiveness and not to harbour resentment, which is the key to moving on as forgiveness brings life. Dealing with the emotional aftermath is part of the process of moving forward and finding opportunities for personal growth within a painful experience. It’s about always trying to see the positive in negative situations and I’ve been humbled by the times where continued friendship is possible and the experience serves to strengthen the bond and valuable lessons are learned on both sides. Other times though, I’ve been in situations where it has been necessary to sever the friendship completely as I’ve learnt I do have choice. Friendship is a package—and at some stage in your life you will have to learn to accept or reject it as I have done. Ultimately, only you can decide what is best for you.

With all this in mind, a healthy friendship includes plenty of honesty. Your friend won’t lie to you, but they won’t try and hurt your feelings either. As a result, you’ll know where you stand with your friend and won’t be afraid to share your true opinions. True friendships are a blessing and such an important and wonderful part of our life as they are based on honesty, loyalty, love, really listening to each other and having things in common. True friends actually improve and enhance our lives in so many ways. When I lost my best friend, my mother, I was devastated as to me she is irreplaceable. This is why I’m so thankful for the true friends I do have that essentially are part of my family and I theirs. These are the relationships I work hard to keep strong, as they are sometimes the source of my strength. My mum used to always say – we all need friends, as no one is an island, but make sure you choose them wisely.

Nowadays, anybody is a so-called role model

It’s become quite clear in recent times that being a role model can mean different things to different people. I would define a role model as an individual who is looked up to and revered by others. Whose behaviour, example, or success is such that others can emulate it, especially young people. Role models are also those who others aspire to be like, either in the present or in the future. A role model may be someone who you know and interact with on a regular basis, or may be someone who you’ve never met, such as a celebrity. Whilst they tend to be well known actors, entertainers, public or political figures they can also be someone known personally such as teachers, parents or family members.

My late mother was and still is my role model; she was also my best friend. She instilled key values, taught me right from wrong and gave me countless sayings that at the time never made much sense, but are now key core values that I live by today. Growing up, my mother pointed me in the direction of the likes of Martin Luther King Jr and Mother Theresa, strong characters who were concerned with empowering and transforming the lives of others. My mother was an awesome person and I miss her everyday. She was such an inspiring role model because she wanted the best for me. Her death also confirmed to me how much she inspired other people and led such a selfless life. This was evident because she was not remembered for her material possessions or her great sense of style. My mother is remembered because she left an imprint, a mark on people’s lives through acts of kindness and generosity and this is a legacy that I am tremendously proud to continue.

And this is what saddens me today when I look around and see who our young people are looking to as their so-called role models.  Nowadays, anyone who has achieved any type of fame either through TOWIE, 15 minutes of reality TV, sold a story or grabbed a headline is considered a role model. Modern ‘celebritism’ has created what I think is a different type of role model, where just to have ‘made it’ grants you role model status, regardless of your character or behaviour. Football is a prime example of this. The negative behaviour of some footballers is brushed aside with a fine or short ban simply because the monetary value of their skills are considered far greater. John Terry, Luis Suarez and more recently Ched Evans are all prime examples of this. In the world of entertainment, Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber were once great role models for young children, demonstrating how working hard to reach your dreams can actually happen. Unfortunately, once they achieved their dreams, these pop icons seemed desperate to shed their good girl/boy image by building a reputation on sexually explicit lyrics, dancing, drugs or bad boy behaviour. They now top numerous worst celebrity role model lists. Similarly, I have not witnessed any reason for The Kardashians to be so admired other than wealth. They do not seem humble or display any kind of compassion. Too much emphasis is placed on looks, pressure about weight, and lack of hard work, which I think sends the wrong message to young girls.

I am well aware of the challenges of living a public life in the full glare of the media. Having every part of ones life up for scrutiny and being constantly judged by your actions in front of a camera is not a life I would choose. And whilst some people court the media more than others, surely once you are in a position where you have a platform; I believe you have a responsibility to uphold integrity, thoughtfulness and compassion. Some, like Malala Yousufzai, Oprah Winfrey, George Clooney and Michelle Obama do this better than others.

We are living in a materialistic, ‘me, myself and I’ type of culture and I believe those of us who know better have a responsibility to educate and steer our young people towards the right kind of role models, as the problem is our children are unlikely to research and see what people have achieved or do behind the scenes. They are more likely to see the headline or video of a celebrity or role model cursing or behaving badly.  Therefore, we need to take the time to look past the disgraced footballers and pages of reality TV stars, as there are still some great role models out there inspiring, impacting, transforming and empowering people’s lives. Surely these are the ones that we should be calling role models.

Non violent rape vs rape. Surely rape is still rape isn’t it?

Rape is a violent act. Official figures from the Office of National Statistics show that although overall crime in the UK has fallen by 16% to 7.1m, rapes in the year to June have increased by 29% compared to the year before. These figures are at the highest ever level as more victims are willing to report rape and police have improved their effectiveness in how they handle rape investigations. However, as the vast majority of these type of crimes are hugely under-reported, this figure could be the tip of the iceberg.

 

Judy Finnigan’s remarks last week have caused quite a stir and I can see why. Back in 2012, Sheffield United and Wales footballer Ched Evans was jailed for five years for raping a teenager who was too drunk to consent to sex while two of his friends watched. Evan was released last week and there have been many debates and phone-in’s about whether or not he should be given a second chance to resume his career as a footballer. On her first day in her new job on the Loose Women panel Judy sparked outrage by sharing her views: “The rape – and I am not, please, by any means minimising any kind of rape, but the rape was not violent, he didn’t cause any bodily harm to the person. It was unpleasant, in a hotel room I believe, and she had far too much to drink. That is reprehensible, but he has been convicted and he has served his time. When he comes out, what are we supposed to do, just actually to refuse to let him do his job even though he’s already been punished?” When sentencing Evans, the judge took into account that there had been no force involved and the complainant received no injuries. The Judge also said the complainant was extremely intoxicated and therefore in no condition to have sexual intercourse.

 

Now, I am not sure if it was her poor choice of words, her lack of sensitivity or just plain old ignorance. Perhaps Judy was merely quoting what the judge had said, but her comments were wrong and highlight much wider issues surrounding such an emotive topic. The issues I want to discuss in this blog are twofold. Firstly, can rape ever be described as not violent? And secondly, if someone is intoxicated to the point where they can barely, walk, talk or have blacked out, what sort of person sees that as an ideal opportunity to have sex with them?

 

Even though Judy has since apologised for her comment that caused offence, what she has actually implied is that there are different degrees of rape. This is not the case. Rape is a terrifying, violent crime that can have devastating effects regardless of the circumstances in which it takes place. Fiona Elvines from Rape Crisis sums it up quite simply, “”We always say there’s no hierarchy of rape. It’s not about trying to rank these things. Rape is a form of sexual violence. Some have additional physical violence. But even when physical violence isn’t needed to force the sexual violence on someone [such as when the victim is drunk or drugged], it’s still a form of violence.”

 

One of the main misconceptions of rape is that a random rape in a park is worse than rape that occurs by a known perpetrator. It is true that a random rape can cause the victim to feel paranoid or unsafe, where rape by a known person can lead to issues of trust and safety. The point I would argue is that one is by no means worse than the other. Rape by a known perpetrator is not less traumatic for its victims than rape by a stranger. In fact discussing rape in this way suggests that rape can be graded on some sort of scale with varying degrees of seriousness! Rape is rape and the psychologically and physically wounds can run deep, last for a long period or over a lifetime even with help. Let me put it another way, rape is not simply a sexual act where one party does not consent, it is a degrading, violent act, that violates the integrity of the body. Attributing any type of label to rape will only have a negative impact on women and victims of rape. Label can also negatively perpetuate attitudes held by society about rape.

 

As for the matter of intoxication and consent, the law states that if a person is unconscious or alcohol or drugs impair their judgement, legally they are unable to give consent. Therefore, having non-consensual sex with a person who is intoxicated is rape. No amount of excuses or trying to discredit a person or blame it on what clothing was worn, how much was drunk or how they were behaving can shift the responsibility. Unfortunately a rapist will give any excuse to justify their crimes. To me, this speaks more perhaps about the psychological issues of the perpetrator, as what would make someone knowingly want to harm someone so vulnerable rather than lead him or her to safety.

 

Last year, the Ministry of Justice, Office for National Statistics and the Home Office released its first ever-joint statistic bulletin on sexual violence called ‘An Overview of Sexual Offending In England & Wales’. The figures reported that approximately 85,000 women are raped on average in England and Wales every year. Over 400,000 women are sexually assaulted each year. And 1 in 5 women (aged 16 – 59) had experienced some form of sexual violence since the age of 16. These figures are the staggering facts. But the bulletin also reports that this form of sexual violence against women also goes unreported as women feel embarrassed, do not feel the people would do anything about it, or cited is as a family/private matter.

 

It is clear, there are many forms of sexual violence for which there are no excuses. It can never be justified and often it is difficult to find context to it, which is why unfortunately, Judy’s comments sadly reflect a common societal misunderstanding of rape. Everyone has preconceived ideas about ‘what rape looks like’ and the effects it is has on victims. As a survivor of rape, I know a lot of our misunderstandings and misconceptions are wrong and the reality is often far different, but we must do our best to understand it. Judy’s comments do little to help victims of rape, but what is does is highlight where we are as a society on this topic and that unfortunately, we still have a long way to go.

 

Too much limelight?

We get involved with causes and sponsor events because we are passionate about raising awareness, making a difference or empowering others. Each year I take time to consider which charities, individuals or events I will support. Similarly, I attend a lot of award shows and fundraiser events seeing first hand how the right publicity can benefit small charities and how celebrity endorsements or individuals can use their public profile for the greater good. But what happens when an individual becomes more concerned with his or her own status and title rather than the good causes they claim to support.

Celebrity endorsements can make or break some charities, which is why they are often seen as a secret fundraising weapon used by at least three quarters of the charities in the UK. However, what happens when these collaborations go wrong, or when the individual uses the good cause as a springboard to further his or her own career. It then becomes questionable if they are really passionate about the cause in the first instance or was it just seen as another publicity stunt to stage management their own public profile. Whilst away from the celebrity lifestyle are those up and coming individuals, perhaps new business owners, your average everyday person who starts out with huge ambitions and a desire to champion a cause only to be embroiled in all thing PR as soon as they get a glimpse of the limelight and how it will help them.

What I’m trying to do here is to provoke a discussion because we currently live in a culture that is celebrity driven. Often it appears that once a person takes a bite of that ‘fame’ apple, no matter how small, selfless humility is eroded and the personal ‘get me to the top’ agenda sets in. And let’s not get it twisted, PR is my foundation and I’m all for promoting the right kind of publicity and I’ve had my fair share of crisis-management when people don’t live up to expectations. What I am saying is let’s not forget the good causes in all of this. Giving back to society and helping others is just one small way we can play our part and if we’re passionate about supporting something, let that be our focus rather than become sidetracked with the trapping that publicity and adulation can bring.

Does being invited to countless events increase your self worth or validate your status? It’s great to be invited to numerous events and be seen so regularly in public that it increases your own profile gaining more twitter followers and likes on Facebook. However, it’s important to be clear on the purpose of these events and the reason for the invite.   Does receiving an invite mean you’ve made it or suddenly acquired superstar status? And if so, what were your thoughts about attending these events before you were invited?

When organising events and meeting various people, I am often humbled by those who work silently and effortlessly behind the scenes. These are the ones that do not get the awards or the applause and in some cases have more influence, yet these are the people who shun the limelight of any kind. Ultimately, we need to be able to sleep at night knowing that we have done the right thing rather than being driven by our ego or other people’s agenda. So take time to think about what you want to be known for. What are the values and core beliefs that can be used to help transform the lives of others? As that is surely where the limelight should go.